Litterbug

OK, so now that I no longer have to schlep around the D in the ice and snow (I know, I know, I'm seriously tempting the weather gods by saying that--hope I don't jinx it) things have gotten a lot easier for me in the Commuting department. That would officially make it the only area in my life to see any sort of improvement in the last 13 months, but hey, I got all the time in the world, right? We have now entered the portion of the calendar year where my drive-time is shortened thanks to fewer cars on the road on Fridays and the occasional Monday, and were it not for the plethora of construction zones popping up along my major thruways, I'd be a happy, happy chick. So tonight I got to sit in traffic in the rain on the Southfield (my convoluted alternate-route to 696) and ponder my lot in life.

With all this extra time I was given to devote to deep philosophical introspection, I was struck by a penetrating realization. Here in the D, there is some really weird shit left along our area freeways. I mean, the people driving are strange enough--lately not strange enough to hand out another Random Dude Commuting Award--but the things they leave behind are totally bizarro. As evidence of this, I would respectfully offer the following:

Shoes. I would love to be with the dude who gets to his destination, goes to put on his shoes, and finds that he's missing one. Because you never ever see a pair of kicks on the side of the road, it's always just one. I wonder if he's just mystified, like "Where could it be....?" When I travel with footwear in the car, it's usually in some sort of bag, so if I lost one, I'd lose the whole nut. Well, except for my golf shoes, and if I ever lost one of those, I would suffer emotional devastation such that the location of the missing mate would be irrelevant. Ohhh, I can't think of it--it's too horrible.

Appliance Doors. Now this one kind of makes sense, because I think when you go to dump them, you have to take the doors off, yeah? Remember a hundred years ago when that was such a huge initiative? "Take your doors off your refrigerators so your little neighbor boy won't get trapped inside of it on garbage day and suffocate!" Man, whoever thought of that PSA never lived next door to Slouchy Kyle. I'd shove that kid inside a Frigidaire any day and never think twice about it.

Burning Cars. Seriously, this really freaks me out every time I see it. Because again, there is nothing else around, no sign of accident or other malfeasance, just a single apparently spontaneously combusting vehicle. Two words--WIL-LIES.

Stuffed Animals. Now I can only suspect that the grimy fuzzballs that I see are the red-headed-step-children of the stable of toys of the kids who lost them. Because I know for a fact that if it was a favorite guy, like the Littlest Chica's Ella, I would enlist the help of area law-enforcement officials and perhaps a psychic to launch an all-out manhunt to retrace my steps including scouring area freeway embankments, never tiring until that bad boy was back in her outstretched paws. Really.

Shopping Carts. This would make sense if these were found nearby retail areas, but they never are. And the Hobo pushing his cart full of returnables doesn't hold true here either, because there are no pedestrians allowed on freeways here in the D. Perhaps the wind blew it there, much like the gusty hurricane that blew one into my path on 8 Mile and Harper a couple weeks ago. It was from K-Mart. Most likely Corporate retaliation relating to my post from March. Yep, that's it fo' sho'--payback pure and simple.

Donuts. This morning I saw a pile of doughnuts on the side of the road. A little ways down was the brightly colored DD box. Now I am dying to ask--what was the sequence of events that caused an entire box of doughnuts to fall from a moving vehicle? I'm guessing big fat MDOT pothole meets a Dodge Neon with an open sunroof, and then the guy was like, "Well, there goes breakfast, I sure as hell don't need this box around reminding me of what I lost."

So yeah, in short, people are pigs, and there's a lot of crap laying around. I can honestly say that I have never thrown anything on the side of the road--at any given time I probably have about 13 lbs of Happy Meal Boxes, goldfish, and crayons rolling around in my car. I grew up in the 80's, so I Give a Hoot and Don't Pollute, I Always Put Litter in its Place, and to this day can't get the Native American with the single tear outta my head. Hell, my carbon footprint is still as big as Sasquatch, but I guess I'm a lot more green and eco-friendly than I give myself credit for. In case you're wondering, back in the day, I also loved to Be Kind and Rewind, but that ended when my Betamax crapped out and I tossed it in a landfill wrapped a plastic grocery bag full of batteries and lead paint chips. I'm just kidding--I'm no litterbug.