Pimp This

OK, so a few weeks ago, on a Sunday, I went and picked up a paper. I had to wait until after noon of course because Michigan still has their archaic Blue Laws that prohibit the sale of alcohol before that time, and I'm certainly not going to make 2 trips just to pick me up a new Black Box, when I am perfectly content to spend 4 hours laying around watching a marathon of 90210, waiting for the stroke of twelve. Alright, it was really more like 2 pm because there was that episode where Brandon gets caught sleeping naked with his ugly girlfriend, you know that smart one with the really bad hair and wart on her chin, at her parents' house when she had told them she was still a virgin, as if anyone would believe that you could actually date Brandon Walsh and not bone him repeatedly even though he's unfortunately short. Yes, I said bone. You can shake your head and read that again, but I said it. How many times must I tell you? I am a classy, classy chick with important things to say.

Anyway, that's not my point. So I was perusing the Free Press on that Sunday when I saw that they were having a contest for blog entries. It was being held by one of the staff bloggers, and the contest was called "Pimp my Blog" and if you won, you'd be one of 7 people to get your entry published on their website. And then the grand-prize-winner would get their entry published in the actual Sunday Free Press in the Editorial section. Awesome. I loved the name, I dig the chick who writes that blog/column, so I knew I had to enter.

So, being of sound mind and even sounder lazy-assitude, I submitted the Beaver piece that I wrote last winter. And yes, I did just insert a link to my own blog. Go ahead, sue me. It's still one of my favorites, and I think it gives a pretty good picture of my admittedly distorted, at times demented, point of view. So I emailed the chick and didn't think anything of it...And then she called me... And she emailed me back to tell me she'd called me...Because she liked the piece, but there was one problem... I had to submit something that had never been published before.

WTF??

Seriously? I mean, you know I love you to the ends of the earth my Lovelies, and I truly appreciate each and every one of my 8 loyal readers, but I never once considered that this was regarded as "publishing" even though I hit that "publish post" button each time I send you a new and compelling piece of prose. I know everyone in the world can read this blog, but they most certainly do not. And even though I now have an international audience thanks to my buddy the Commander being stationed over in Bahrain, I would still think there should be some minimum-readership rule in order for it to truly be considered "published." And I told her that. And she said too bad, stop being lazy (who me??) and gave me an extension. Til the next day.

And of course, I couldn't think of a single...solitary...thing to write. So I stumbled and fumbled and finally submitted something about the NJ political corruption scandal. And it was baaaaaaaaaaaad. No, really, it was awful. But I'm still gonna post it here in a few minutes because I may be vain, but I still gotta up my numbers. Besides, if I hit home-runs with my posts all the time, you'd be all freaked out about the literary wunderkind in your midst, and totally start stalking me because there is no one else on this earth as fundamentally hot and witty as I. Hey, it could happen.

So yeah, I did not win. I sooooo did not win. But in the end, as trite and suburban as it seems, I'm glad I tried. And deep down somewhere in the reaches of my dark and twisted soul, I know that the Free Press is probably not the best forum for my writing. I would be very glad for someone to point out what exactly that forum might be so that I can start making some much-needed extra coin here, but until then, I'm happy to write for you my Lovelies. I'm happy because I know you love my goofy stories about the Hobbit and the Banana and the Chicas and my Random Dudes. And some of you even love me, come on admit it, you do. It's OK, really, how could you not? So yes, we will continue our little cyber-love-fest here, and everyone else can suck it and suck it hard. And I can say that because I am a classy, classy chick...and a published author.