Pot of Gold

OK, so I've been valiantly fighting this cold for the past week or so. It hasn't been easy, for he is a stubborn SOB who is showing no mercy. I am wicked congested, my neck hurts, and my eyes itch like a Mother, all of which is putting a damper on my usual sunny disposition--hey, I almost said that without laughing.

A few years ago, I would have been just fine, and fallen back on my old-reliable light blue Sudafed gel caps. These delicious nuggets were chock full of pseudo-ephedrine with a delightful guiafenesin chaser that took care of any and all cold or allergy symptoms within a couple of days without being overly drying. I loved them dearly. And then, all those Crank-Heads out in Kansas with their double-wide-meth-labs went and ruined it for the rest of us. I cannot remember a day when I was more pissed off than when I went to CVS to obtain the Light-Blue-Gel-Wonder only to be told by the little tiny pharmacist that they no longer stocked it because they didn't have room now that all the decongestants were behind the counter like the pharma-equivalent of Grey Goose and Hot Damn. And to add insult to injury, they now required a driver's license to purchase the useless Red-Sudafed-Crap-Tabs--and best of all, they need to actually swipe your DL. I would have no problem with this, but no one, not even the TSA swipes my driver's license, but to buy Sudafed it's abso-freakin-lutely necessary! Really. Apparently it makes the folks in the poly-fabulous vests at Rite-Aid feel powerful and more content in their career choice.

So yeah, I have issues with getting a cold now and I'm always on the lookout for the next greatest thing, so it was in this spirit of intrepid ague that this week I purchased a Neti Pot. Now for those not in the know, a Neti Pot is this little watering can looking thing that you use to flush out your sinus cavities with a saline solution. Many people swear by them, and I figured it couldn't possibly make me feel worse, so I decided to give it a go. Plus I figured if I could tout myself as an edgy homeopathic chick, I might just be able to scare up some new dating action live from the streets of A2.

So the directions seemed simple enough. Pour 1/2 of the packet of stuff into the Pot, add lukewarm water, stir until dissolved, then insert the tip of the Pot into your nostril, tip your head to the side so that said nostril is above the other one, and flush away all the germs and goo. Of course, the 14 year old in me was immediately giggling about the irony of the white powder/spoon/nose thing, but other than that it was pretty straight-forward. Or so I thought. I am here to report that I very nearly died that night.

Technically it was my own fault because first, I misread the directions that said to add water to the top. The directions actually said to fill it to the top of the label on the side of the pot, so I inadvertantly forced about 7 times the amount of fluid as necessary into my head. Second, I am not sure that the Neti Pot is advised for someone who's suffered a broken nose as many times as I have, for I would speculate that this created some sort of detour through which the liquid rushed, surging into my brain and cascading down my throat which caused me to panic mightily. And of course, when one panics, one tends to breathe irregularly, which is a huge negative with the Neti Pot. I ended up aspirating salt water, choking and sputtering, desperate for liquid-free air--I swear to God I saw the light and heard my grandfather's voice. But as I slowly regained consciousness, I realized that for the first time in days I could breathe freely and completely on that one side. Holy crap this thing is a miracle!

It was with mild trepidation that I completed the task on the other side, but it has gotten easier with each subsequent attempt. I have now worked my way up to one full packet per sinus cavity, and I can flush away without blacking out--though that was kind of a trippy bonus. I wouldn't say I'm an expert yet, but I am getting pretty darn good at it--after all, I went to college, I'm a mom, and I play a doctor on TV.

I am a proud convert and I am eagerly awaiting allergy season and all of it's trials, because I have my new best friend and secret weapon. I have to be, especially since I heard Warner-Lambert doesn't even make the Light-Blue-Gel-Wonder any more. Stupid Crank-Heads. I'm still jonesing for my old stand-by so I'm left wondering if crossed the river into Canada, if they might have my drug of choice in their wonderland of socialized FDA-less medicine? And I'd venture to guess the crack border-patrol agents at the tunnel in the D would never give a second thought to a hot soccer mom re-entering the US with a Highlander full of light blue Sudafed gel caps. I bet they'd just wave me on my way without even swiping my driver's license. It might just be worth a shot, eh.